Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 5/25/2009
i came across anne jackson's blog one day. i'm not sure exactly how i got there, but i'm glad i found her. i love her bluntness and her desire to be nothing but real to anyone and everyone. she reminds me a lot of myself.
her last blog entry spoke to my heart...especially the quote she used from a book she has been reading. it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. so here it is...
I'll leave you with these words from Nouwen's Inner Voice of Love. Words from a meditation in his journal upon which I am reflecting almost every day.
I pray they challenge you in the way they have challenged me. Wherever your old country, or your new country, may be.
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You have an idea of what the new country looks like. Still, you are very much at home, although not truly at peace, in the old country. You know the ways of the old country, its joys and pains, its happy and sad moments. You have spent most of your days there. Even though you know that you have not found there what your heart most desires, you remain quite attached to it. It has become part of your very bones.
Now you have come to realize that you must leave it and enter the new country, where your Beloved dwells. You know that what helped and guided you in the old country no longer works, but what else do you have to go by? You are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in the new country. That requires death of what has become so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise.
Trust is so hard, since you have nothing to fall back on . Still, trust is what is essential. The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable.
It seems that you keep crossing and recrossing the border. For a while, you experience a real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer.
-Henri Nouwen
i struggle with embracing the new country. i long for the safety and the comfort in the old country. it all comes down to fear of the unknown and what is in store for me in the new. the definition of fear is "to run". i'm no longer running from the new country, but i'm going to move forward. i may be afraid sometimes, but i am no longer going to fear what will come. there is an excitement in "new". i am SO looking forward to what He has planned!
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Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 5/21/2009
Psalm 18:16 - 50
16-19 But me he caught-reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved-surprised to be loved!
20-24 God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
25-27 The good people taste your goodness,
The whole people taste your health,
The true people taste your truth,
The bad ones can't figure you out.
You take the side of the down-and-out,
But the stuck-up you take down a peg.
28-29 Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life;
I'm blazing with glory, God's glory!
I smash the bands of marauders,
I vault the highest fences.
30 What a God! His road
stretches straight and smooth.
Every God-direction is road-tested.
Everyone who runs toward him
Makes it.
31-42 Is there any god like God?
Are we not at bedrock?
Is not this the God who armed me,
then aimed me in the right direction?
Now I run like a deer;
I'm king of the mountain.
He shows me how to fight;
I can bend a bronze bow!
You protect me with salvation-armor;
you hold me up with a firm hand,
caress me with your gentle ways.
You cleared the ground under me
so my footing was firm.
When I chased my enemies I caught them;
I didn't let go till they were dead men.
I nailed them; they were down for good;
then I walked all over them.
You armed me well for this fight,
you smashed the upstarts.
You made my enemies turn tail,
and I wiped out the haters.
They cried "uncle"
but Uncle didn't come;
They yelled for God
and got no for an answer.
I ground them to dust; they gusted in the wind.
I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter.
43-45 You rescued me from a squabbling people;
you made me a leader of nations.
People I'd never heard of served me;
the moment they got wind of me they listened.
The foreign devils gave up; they came
on their bellies, crawling from their hideouts.
46-48 Live, God! Blessings from my Rock,
my free and freeing God, towering!
This God set things right for me
and shut up the people who talked back.
He rescued me from enemy anger,
he pulled me from the grip of upstarts,
He saved me from the bullies.
49-50 That's why I'm thanking you, God,
all over the world.
That's why I'm singing songs
that rhyme your name.
God's king takes the trophy;
God's chosen is beloved.
Here lately I have been impatient. My faith is constantly being tested. Satan is throwing things at me left and right. I'm tired. I feel that most of my prayers include the phrase, "God, why are you doing this to me? What next? I don't know if I can do it." in some form or fashion. God has taken people out of my life that I thought would always be there. God is so good though because He brings along tidbits of goodness in the middle of life's rottenness.
I was discussing how frustrated I am about life in general with a friend and how I wasn't sure what God's purpose was for me when he made a great comparison (or it was great in my eyes) as to how God is using me. He said I was a game breaker - someone that the coach puts in in order to change the game. Just when people thought things were going one way, God puts me in the mix in order to stir things up and change the game. Not everyone is equipped to be a game breaker, I'm thankful that He thinks I have what it takes to do this. All I know is that I want to glorify God in my life - my relationships, my words, my actions, my attitude...my everything. I will do whatever it takes and will go whatever distance to glorify and bless His name.
I will be knocked down...knocked out...tired...worn...weary, but He will prevail. He has rescued me. He found me worthy to carry out some purpose....I'm still waiting to know what that is.
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Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 3/20/2009
Less Like Scars by Sara Groves
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you and I want you here
And I feel you and I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like Character
God has chosen me to learn some pretty tough life lessons at a young age. I'm thankful for this...believe me I am, but sometimes I wish I could get a breather. Do you ever feel like that? The old adage, "When it rains, it pours" definitely fits my life. Right now, I'm learning how to let go yet again. But this time I'm not letting go of someone but somethings.
I have a house that I just adore, but it was mine and my ex-husband's house. I'm closing that chapter in my life. I'm ready to move on and embrace what is before me. So, I put the house up for sale. Just so I wouldn't be in the way (and so the house would stay clean and Shep wouldn't make a meal out of the carpet or walls anymore) I moved in with my aunt and uncle. I just moved my clothes and shoes though (which is an ordeal in and of itself). All of my furniture, pictures, dishes, etc. are still in the house.
Last night I went by my house to grab the remainder of what was in my closet and stopped to take a look around. I have been debating for awhile about what to sell and what to keep. God spoke to me last night and said, "Sell it all, Lacey. You don't need this stuff. This isn't who you are anymore." And He's right (I mean, of course He's right...He's God!). The things in my house represent the old me - the Lacey that had to have designer shoes, the best car, the prettiest furniture and all that jazz. God is breaking my heart daily with what breaks His. I'm realizing that those things were just that...THINGS! I will say that getting rid of everything is a lot harder than it would seem though.
A year ago I was living a completely different life. From the outside you would think everything was grand. From the inside you would see that I was lonely, hurting and trying to fill a void in my life with anything but God. Today, I am new and I hope I am making God proud because I am being obedient to what He is calling me to do. I'm seriously giving up EVERYTHING to serve Him. As hard as doing this is and is going to be, I have never experienced the joy I am experiencing now. I am truly living life to the fullest except with a lot fewer things.
I have a peace about what He is doing in my life. The big picture is slowly coming into focus...my eyes are finally watching and waiting to see what He will do next. I'm at the point where I have to be confident that what God is telling me to do and the path He is telling me to take is the right thing. I cannot question it, I just have to act on it having faith that He is in charge. There is no other way I would want to live my life. My life is finally really beginning.
"Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job,
urging you on whenever you wander left or right:
"This is the right road. Walk down this road."
You'll scrap your expensive and fashionable god-images.
You'll throw them in the trash as so much garbage,
saying, "Good riddance!"
Isaiah 30:21-22
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Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 2/25/2009
"He is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name." Acts 9:15
"Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord" 2 Corinthians 6:17
dealing with loss is really hard. it's one of those life lessons that you will continually work on throughout your life. losing someone breaks your heart, takes your breath away, fills you with mixed emotions, leaves you speechless at times and sometimes makes you angry. you want to know why. sometimes you feel like something is wrong with you. it's what we make of the lesson that counts. we can choose to be angry, disappointed, hurt and build walls around our heart and keep people out or we can embrace the change, learn from the heartache, move past the pain and grow.
i recently went through a divorce. my husband and i were married for 3 years. he chose his career over his marriage. how do you not take that personally? i often think to myself, "lacey, you are a beautiful, young and charismatic woman. why do people keep choosing other things or people over you? what's really wrong with you? are you too difficult? high maintenance? clingy? or is the vision you have of yourself just distorted and you are all wrong about who you really are?"
God is teaching me a lot about self worth and who i am to Him. He is revealing things to me not just through the struggles i deal with from my divorce, but from the loss of a friend as well. i lost my friend through change, not through death eventhough i feel like a part of me has died. i'm learning a lot about myself, about the people i surround myself with and most importantly about God. i recently finished the book "come away my beloved" by frances j. roberts. it's almost as if God sent this book just for me. this passage speaks volumes to me:
"you are never one of many to Me. you are precious and dear to My heart, yes, even as a very special treasure. for i love you more than you can ever comprehend, and i long to gather you in My embrace and hold you close to My heart. do not hold Me at arm's length because you have a sense of unworthiness. have you not read that the redeemed are brought near by the blood of Christ? your sins are not covered; they are washed away! they are not only forgiven; they are forgotten! don't hold back My love."
this is who i am to Him. no matter how small someone makes me feel, i know that i have worth and that God created me for a very special purpose. maybe God is taking people out of my life to make room for just Him?
"i have special expeditionary forces, and what if i have called you to join these ranks? do not look for the company of many others. much of the wat you shall go entirely alone except for My presence." - come away my beloved
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Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 2/17/2009
"A jewel's just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look." - Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
It 's hard to focus on God during one of life's many hard lessons. It's even harder to praise Him during this time. Through all of the struggles I have encountered in the last year I tried to remember and focus on the good things God was doing to prepare me for something great. Satan loves to creep in there and let you know just how unworthy, unloveable, and downright awful you are though.
I recently found out that my older sister is pregnant (this is her first)! With all of the excitement that surrounds this incredible news, Satan took this golden opportunity to remind me of so many things I struggle with inside.
First, I realized that I will get to meet the bundle of joy before I leave since her due date is in September (HOORAY!), but also came to realize that I will miss an entire year of this child's life while I'm gone on the race. A WHOLE YEAR! I got so sad thinking not just of this baby, but of Nathan and Jacob as well. There will be so many milestones that I will miss. My best friend quickly reminded me of all the great things that they (my family, friends) will miss in my life while I am gone as well. I will be traveling THE WORLD and experiencing some of the most indescribable things known to man. So, I felt better, but then...
Satan reminded me of the fact that I'm 27 and divorced without a family. When you get to this age your friends are mostly married and some already with kids. I want so badly to have a family, but have to remember that God has something completely different in mind for me. I'm not a mom now but will get to love on so many children that don't have moms. I certainly don't want to miss out on that! So, I have to find peace in the fact that God sees something special in me and chose me to do His good work.
In the midst of the hurt and joy I was experiencing after receiving such good news, I cried out to God to bring me peace. I think His most valued time with me is when I come to Him and just say, "I love you. I need you. Please quiet my heart." He loves to be the one to console us and make us feel whole again. But I heard and felt nothing...I still hurt, so I decided to open my Bible and have my devotion time. He spoke to me through my devotion that night with this:
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?....I will yet praise Him." Psalm 43:5
Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, "O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
"The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
"My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes - that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."
- taken from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
I am striving to be the third woman. He is training me through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. I want nothing more than to be worthy of His calling. That was my peace. All of those other things will come later.
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Posted in Mission Trip Thoughts by Lacey Cortez on 2/5/2009
let me introduce you to one of my teammates...
Allison Schwartz
check out how she was called to missions by going here.
allison has an incredible passion for God and His calling for her life. you can sense her excitement and compassion just from reading her blog posts. like me, she feels that going on the race is one of the only things she knows for sure she is supposed to do in life. i pray that God blesses her immensely as she prepares to leave in october and that He reveals Himself to her in very real and indescribable ways. i love allison already and we haven't even met! please pray for her too!
i forgot to mention that she can fit into a medium sized suitcase...how much more interesting can you get than that? maybe if she could also fit into a medium sized cooler that would kick her coolness up a notch?
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Posted in General Posts by Lacey Cortez on 1/28/2009
we were asked to write a blog about how we felt before leaving on this mission trip. here is what i am expecting...
* i'm expecting to miss my family and friends more than ever.
i was never one of the kids who cried at summer camp because they were homesick and i've always been okay to be away for a little while. this will be a new experience being gone for such an extended amount of time. i know i will miss birthdays, milestone events, watching nathan & jacob grow up, and so much more; however, this trip will make me stronger. i will be more independent. and most of all, i hope to appreciate the people in my life more than i ever have before and show them just how much i love them.
* i'm expecting to be pushed to the limit.
i'm picturing sleeping in a tent, in the rain, in the mud, in the middle of nowhere. i'm invisioning going for months without a nice hot shower but instead a cold and very quick one. i'm sure i will encounter scary bugs, spiders and snakes along the way. i know without a doubt that i will meet people and be put in situations that will make me feel uncomfortable. i know i will be so broken at times that i want to give up, but God will somehow remind me that trying times are not the time to stop trying and He will give me the strength to do so.
* i'm expecting to lose a lot and give up a lot in order to obey what God has called me to do.
i need to sell my house right now. it's a source of great stress for me. my faith and patience are currently being tested right now not only in this matter, but also with my job situation and my relationships. i am learning to realign my focus and really trust that He will take care of my every need, fill every void in my heart and show me grace. so, i will lose my house, my belongings and possibly my job. i know His plan is so much better than what i have in mind though.
right now, the reality that i will be leaving my current life for something new is finally sinking in. i need prayer for my finances - support raising, meeting my current financial obligations and selling my house. please pray that God will continue preparing my heart to be able to let go and not let anything hinder me when i'm gone and that my focus will be solely on the mission He has sent me to complete.
it's absolutely incredible how full my heart is and how at peace i am right now about this trip because i know i am obeying God's calling for my life. there is no other way to explain it. i am ready for this. i pray that God breaks me and reveals to me who i truly am inside and how i can change. i want God to open my eyes to what pure, unadulturated love for Him is. i no longer want to be consumed with worldly things. i want my schedule to fit around my time with God instead of trying to fit God in whenever i get a break from my "real life". i expect to find God in the most unusual places and i want to embrace it. i want to know who i am to God and live that life.
"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'?
No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!"
John 12:27-28
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Posted in Mission Trip Thoughts by Lacey Cortez on 1/22/2009
we were asked to write a blog about how we were called to this mission trip. here is my story....
i wish i had a really incredible story to share where the clouds opened up and God came down and said to me in a deep voice, "lacey! you will be a missionary and go on the world race where you will be taken around the world to share my love." and then the angels sing a round of some angelic "ahhhhahhhh's", the clouds close up and i'm there standing wide eyed and completely confused. but i don't.
i'm just an ordinary woman who has persevered through so many struggles and so much heartache in order to be formed into someone God could use; however, God has made my ordinary story extraordinary.
i became a christian at the age of 7. i grew up in a christian home with Godly parents. i was extremely active in my church and was all around a good christian girl. i went away to college and veered from the path a bit. i was a party animal living for myself and unconcerned with anything else. when i graduated and went into the world i had the same mentality. i met a guy, dated him for a short period, got married, and endured a hard marriage for 3 years of my life when he asked for a divorce. in those 3 years i had filed for bankruptcy and changed jobs. the job change was good.
in my new position i was surrounded with an absolutely incredible group of people who knew me for a short period of time, but loved me and cared deeply for me. i was invited to church by my boss about 3 times before i finally decided to go. after a month of attending church, i ended up joining and rededicating my life to God. i haven't been the same since.
my boss casually mentioned the world race in a conversation one day. i had never heard of it, so of course i had to google it since i google everything. once i found the world race website, i became so engrossed in the racers' blogs. the more i read, the more i wanted to know. i prayed about the world race. it was crazy for me considering i am one of the girliest girls you would ever meet and had more shoes than the shoe department at macys and clothes to match. God had changed my heart though. "things" were no longer important to me. i was willing to give everything i had up in order to be obedient.
i decided one day to sign up on the world race website to get more information. i didn't tell anyone, but i prayed that if i was really supposed to do this thing that God would in someway confirm the decision so i would know that was what He was truly calling me to do. on our way to a meeting that day, my boss and i were discussing a mission trip to africa this summer. in the middle of the conversation he said, "i really hate to say this because you know we all love working with you and don't ever want you to leave, but i think you should seriously pray about the world race." my jaw dropped. there it was - the confirmation i had been looking for. i got weirded out though and asked God again that if He was really, really, really sure that He wanted to send me that he would give me confirmation just one more time.
while reading my Bible that night, God gave me this verse:
"don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. instead, fix your attention on God. you'll be changed from the inside out. readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
romans 12:1-2 (the message)
there it was. plain as day. i was really supposed to go. i applied the next day.
out of the craziness that my life brings me, the only thing that i knew for sure without a doubt was that God was sending me to do this and the rest would work out. i ask myself daily why God chose me and how my life could possibly be used to glorify Him. as always, He responded with this verse:
"The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace- a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies- and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who mourn, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit." isaiah 61:1 - 3 (the message)
so here i am. i'm not scared. i'm at peace. i was born for this.
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